“You can love someone so much…but you can never love people as much as you can miss them”
– John Green
The idea of missing people has always been an intriguing one to me. From the time that we begin processing conversations and learn to speak ourselves, we hear the phrases “I’ve missed you,” “I miss you,” “I will miss you,” etc. Sometimes I think these phrases just feel like words to fill space – words that make people that you haven’t gotten to spend much time with feel better.
My view on missing people probably makes me seem bitter, but I promise that’s not it – I think there are just different categories of missing someone. I think that there is the long-distance relationship/friendship kind of missing someone – you’re apart, and if that person is special to you – of course, you miss him or her. That’s fair. There’s the obligatory I miss you – when you and a friend’s schedules are busy and you want to keep in touch, but you are just having a hard time finding time to hang out in person – you “miss” them. Even though you may talk to them everyday, you’re missing that one-on-one personal time. That’s fair, too. There’s the loss of a loved one – arguably the most painful version of missing someone. You can’t get back the time with them; you can’t ever do anything anymore except miss them. You miss the past times you had with them, and you feel their absence in moments and events in your life that they should be there for. This is the fairest type of missing someone that exists, and it is absolutely terrible.
There is yet another type of missing someone, though, and I could argue that it is the most painful of all. It is the type of missing that I didn’t even know I could do until I was well into my young adult life. I have missed a lot of people over my nearly twenty-four years of existence, and it has fit into all of the above categories. But I never knew that you could miss someone as much as I miss him.
Here’s how missing him feels:
You miss him the instant he leaves you. As soon as he walks out your door, you can feel his absence in the space you just shared. You walk around the rest of the day still feeling him on you, but you can’t actually feel him, and that’s enough to drive you insane. You miss him every time you look at your lit-up phone, and see anyone else’s name besides his. You miss him as you drive your car past the places that remind you of him, and then you miss him even more when you realize that almost every single place is capable of becoming something that reminds you of him. This is how you miss someone that you are in love with.
You miss him when he’s next to you. You miss him while he’s lying beside you, with his arms wrapped around you, but his head in another galaxy. You miss him while he kisses you, because you are already mentally preparing yourself for the weeks you’ll have to spend missing that exact kiss. You miss him while he compliments you, because you know how much you’ll miss hearing those words as he fades into silence for another couple weeks. You miss him while he smiles at you, because you can’t seem to find that type of smile in anyone else, no matter how hard you try. This is how you miss someone that you are in love with, even though they do not love you back.
You miss him when you’re crying in your room alone at night, knowing that he is with someone else. You miss him when you’re telling your friends that you don’t miss him at all, and that you’re over it. You miss him when you lie to yourself and believe that getting him every once in awhile, that missing him for weeks on end, is better than not having him at all – because if you don’t have him at all, you have to miss him forever. This is how you miss someone you don’t want anyone to know that you miss.
You eventually stop crying at night. You eventually can talk about him without feeling like someone is suffocating you. You can eventually see him, watch him leave, and wait for his return without even stopping to reflect on how painful all of it is. You can remind yourself that he has someone else, you can remind yourself that he doesn’t want you the way that you want him, and you can tell yourself you’re fine with all of that. This is how you miss the most important person in your life – yourself.
thoughtsfromkylie 