It Has To Get Better

Several years ago, I read a book that stayed with me. I didn’t need a fictional story to tell me the right way to treat people, but the story stuck with me as I reflected on the events in my own life and the roles I’ve played in the lives around me. Recently, I finished the Netflix original series which brought that very book to life, 13 Reasons Why. I’m sure you’ve heard about it by now, and if you’re one of the people who is wondering what all the buzz is about – or more so, if you’re someone who’s been “annoyed” by everyone making a “big deal” over “some TV series,” you’re probably at the top of the list of people that should tune in.

I think everyone could benefit from this story – men and women, boys and girls, all ages, races, and sexualities. Netflix taking on this series gave an important storyline an audience the text just couldn’t quite reach on its own (sadly, because books are awesome, obviously). It scares me when novels I love are adapted to film, but this one did not let me down. This story, both in the novel and on-screen, is a reminder that every single thing we do can have consequences. It’s a reminder that the way we treat people, small actions/words or big ones…it all matters. Everything can add up, and we truly never know what someone is dealing with on their own. This story happens in a high school, and I think that’s an important place for this lesson, but I found myself relating to these characters still at the age of twenty-five, and I’ve read reviews from viewers in their thirties, forties, and beyond who feel the same way. Is there ever truly an age where we become immune to the way other people make us feel?

This series is, quite literally, hard to watch at times. There’s no sugar coating, and I think that’s the beauty of it. I think that was the biggest advantage of taking this story from text to cinema – it forces you to pay attention. It forces you to be uncomfortable. Because the issues in this series happen in real life, and that SHOULD make you uncomfortable. You can’t sugarcoat unkindness. You can’t sugarcoat rape and sexual assault. You can’t sugarcoat depression and suicide. You can’t sugarcoat loss. This series is gripping and definitely binge-worthy, but to call it “entertaining” feels wrong to me. It’s raw, and I think it had to be in order for people to truly take something away from it.

Our world needs this story possibly now more than ever. We live in a world where school shootings and suicides and tragedies keep increasing, and where people can hide behind computers and attack one another on a daily basis. And trust me, I think I see more “bullying” nowadays amongst adults than I ever saw in my school years (and that’s saying something…middle school was f’ing awful). So don’t think that if you aren’t currently a teenager, or a parent, that this doesn’t apply to you. It does. It applies to every single one of us in the ways that we choose to connect with the people around us. Hannah Baker is fictional, but she is important. Because all of us are real, and many of us (or those around us) have had SOMETHING in common with her, or someone else in her story. But I hope all of you know your worth, unlike Hannah,  and I hope that you remind the people in your lives of theirs, as much as you possibly can. I hope you remember this story when it comes to friends, family, acquaintances, strangers, and everyone in between.

I hope that you watch, but more than anything, I hope you that you listen. Really, really listen.

“It has to get better – the way we treat each other and look out for each other – it has to get better somehow.”

I Never Saw You Coming

Everyday without you here feels like a million years, and every night I find myself in the same bed of tears.

I lie awake as the rain hits the windowpane, hard and fast – just like the way I fell for you.

A part of me always knew you were too good to be true, but I let you build me up, and I opened up my heart to you. But all this time you were building me up, just to break me down.

I’d kept a barbed-wire fence around my heart for so long, and grown complacent with being on my own. Who knew a stranger in a poorly lit bar would have the tools to break through the prison walls that I’d hidden my love inside? I’d have never said hello that night if I knew there’d be this hard of a goodbye.

A part of me always knew were too good to be true, but I let you build me up, and I opened up my heart to you. But all this time you were building me up, just to break me down.

All the future plans we were making, I had no idea it was my heart you were going to be breaking.
All the love and laughter we were making, I had no idea it was my heart you were going to be breaking.

A part of me always knew you were too good to be true, but I let you build me up and I opened up my heart to you. But all this time you were building me up, just to break me down.

Why Kanye vs. Taylor 2.0 IS a Big Deal.

Before you dismiss this as another rant by a mega-Taylor Swift fan, I want to make it very clear that my concerns and frustrations regarding the recent Kanye West song lyrics go far beyond my identification as a “Swiftie.”

A little background, for those of you that may have been avoiding the internet for the past twenty-four hours: Kanye West debuted tracks from his new album The Life of Pablo at the Yeezy Season 3 Fashion Show this past Thursday night at Madison Square Garden. One track, “Famous,” included the following lyrics ” I feel like me and Taylor might still have sex / Why? I made that bitch famous.” Source.

Now, let’s examine this lyrical slam. Kanye is obviously referring the 2009 VMA scandal where he notoriously stormed the stage during Taylor’s acceptance speech for her music video, “You Belong with Me.” According to Kanye, via his song lyrics, the large-scale blow up of this incident “made her famous.” Nevermind the fact that Swift wouldn’t be on stage accepting an award in the first place if she wasn’t already famous, or the fact that the album containing the track “You Belong with Me” dubbed Swift as one of the youngest Grammy winners for Album of the Year.

I can, in some ways, excuse this ridiculous notion. Kanye is making a joke, Kanye is trying to make light of a situation that the media has run off with, and still brings up after seven years. Swift and West seemed to publicly make amends during last year’s award season — Swift herself even being the presenter of West’s Video Vanguard award, and posing in photos together during the 2015 Grammy’s. Defending his lyrics, West took to Twitter today to say that Swift even made a joke via a dinner party that Kanye “made her famous” (we have no way thus far to validate the truth behind this claim). Maybe this is true. Maybe. For West to use this supposed joke, which I honestly don’t find validity behind as some of his other claims made via Twitter are already being falsified via Taylor Swift’s rep (to be addressed later) as an actual claim is another issue. A young, female performer cannot gain success for herself? It can’t be her actual music/performances/sold-out tours that has sky-rocketed her to pop-stardom…it must be a scandal. This goes back to the same issue that I have with every nearly reporter in the history of Swift to comment on her dating life rather than her music.

What I cannot excuse about this half of the lyric, is the usage of the term “bitch,” which West also claimed via Twitter is “an endearing term in hip hop like the word Nigga.” Taylor Swift is not a part of the hip-hop world. Even if she were, I don’t find this to be a viable excuse. If we are perpetuating a culture where it is acceptable to use known derogatory terms against women in some instances, where are the lines drawn? Are all of the consumers of West’s music aware that this was intended in an “endearing way?” I can’t jump on board with this notion.

However, what enrages me the most about West’s lyric, is the first half. West is insinuating that because he supposedly is responsible for her fame, Swift should/might have sex with him. I didn’t think I would have to point out the blatant sexist, misogynist issue at hand here — but based on some of the general public’s reactions, I guess I do. West sees Swift’s sexuality as something that he is entitled to. In his eyes, he is responsible for her fame and therefore, she owes him something. She is an object, a profitable source. And I have a serious fucking problem with this.

As a woman, I see this as the type of mainstream media that I take issue with all the time. The put-down of a woman’s success, and the objectification of her body as a measure of her worth. Taylor Swift is successful because of Kanye West, and therefore, she may have sex with him. Blatantly, that is the message being sent here. Whether Kanye meant these lyrics “light-heartedly” or not, is NOT the point. The point is that consumers of music, the YOUTH who listen to hip-hop, are having this idea put into their minds. Even if they dismiss it on a conscious level, subconsciously this is the message young men are receiving about women. This is the message young women are receiving about themselves.

I wonder if Kanye even considered his daughter in all of this. One of my friends pointed out to me today (source), North (his daughter) will someday be a lady, and men will make these types of comments toward her. It could be even worse for his daughter, considering his wife’s promiscuous pass, as men may feel that she already is an easy target. West needs to take a step back and think about what is okay to say to women, and how he would feel about those types of things being said about his own wife or daughter (I surely HOPE that this would have some type of impact on him, but I can’t say I would be surprised if it didn’t). And in that regard, the fact that this sexual lyric exists while he does have a wife, is enough to be concerning if I were his wife. He tweeted that she didn’t care, but does that make it okay? Not in my eyes.

Lastly, within West’s Twitter rant, he claims that Swift approved the song lyric and even thought it was “funny.” Tree Paine, Swift’s publicist, has verified today that this is not true.“Kanye did not call for approval, but to ask Taylor to release his single ‘Famous’ on her Twitter account. She declined and cautioned him about releasing a song with such a strong misogynistic message. Taylor was never made aware of the actual lyric, “I made that bitch famous’” (source).

From the very beginning of the Taylor/Kanye saga, Swift has handled herself eloquently and professionally. For months after the 2009 VMA’s scandal, Swift in every interview refused to trash-talk West, and proclaimed that he had reached out and apologized. The closest to a “stab” she made was during her 2009 SNL monologue, which even then, was making light of a situation rather than degrading his character. At the next year’s VMA’s, Swift chose to perform her track “Innocent,” which is a forgiveness song to West essentially. West, that same year, closed the show with a song proclaiming “Let’s have a toast to the douche bags.” After this past year’s make-up (finally), it seemed water was under the bridge….until now. I had given up on this man’s character and behavior a long time ago and written it off as “he’s an ass,” but at this point, I’m fed up and he’s causing more harm than his music will ever be worth. Don’t even get me started on the amount of remarks he made about women in other scenarios, and his proclaimed support for Bill Cosby.

If you don’t see a problem with West releasing these lyrics, and with his behavior and demeanor in general, then you’re missing a problem that exists for our society way beyond popular culture and celebrity entertainment — and that, quite frankly, scares me. As my friend Alex Anan posted to Facebook today, “If you stand for feminism, equal rights or being a decent human in general why would you ever support [Kanye’s] music? Taylor Swift has done nothing but be an outstanding role model for young women, but the media would still rather focus on her boyfriends instead of her record-breaking albums. Kanye bashes presidents, steals awards from teenagers (Swift in ’09) and teaches fans that degrading women is acceptable, but is labeled an artist. He’s not an artist, he’s a fool.”

 

She loved mysteries so much that she became one.

Note: Over the summer, I read a book that sent my mind spinning and I wrote this immediately after seeing the film. I finally decided to share it. I promise that for those of you who have not yet read the book or watched the movie and plan to, it does not contain anything that I would consider a spoiler. It also, I believe, is understandable without having read the book or watched the movie. 

I never really thought of myself, or anyone else, as “paper” – until I read John Green’s book, Paper Towns. Then I realized, I understand Margo. I understand her disgust with paper towns and paper people and all of their paper houses. I understood it because I felt it. I have said the phrase “I hate this place” more times than I can count when referring to my home state. There’s a point in the book where Q asks Margo if she hated the people or the place, and she essentially responds that they can’t really be separated. “The place is the people are the place,” or something like that.

I don’t hate the people in my life – I actually really love them. I’m blessed beyond measures. However, John Green got me thinking about how often people go through life and never really go outside of their comfort zones, ever. So many of us just live these paper lives in these paper towns, and we don’t even realize that there’s something wrong with that. And maybe there isn’t, but for me, there definitely is. I have changed my long-term plans a million times over the last six years or so – career objectives, places I want to live, etc. The one thing that has never changed, though, is that no matter what I do or whom I end up with – I want to do it somewhere else. I started thinking, though, that I don’t really know if a place is the answer so much as leaving is. Margo explains to Q that often, the places she would run away to don’t end up being that exciting – but leaving, that part was what she needed.

I started thinking about all of the reasons why this could be – why I felt this need to leave. I have had every excuse in the book over the years, ranging from the weather to career choices to entertainment factors to fresh start clichés. But I think lately the idea of leaving has become exponentially more intriguing to me because of people. A person. An idea of a person I can’t escape – and in this sense, it’s not Margo who I relate with, it’s Q.

“Just remember that sometimes, the way you think about a person isn’t the way that they actually are,” John Green writes in Paper Towns. I think a lot of us forget this, or fail to ever realize that this statement holds true. We fall in love with people, some of us more frequently than others, but I wonder how many of those people we have truly loved….and how many of them we have just loved the idea of. We fall in love with the way we want people to be, with the ways we imagine them. And then, we work incredibly hard to convince ourselves that our idea of them is true. We make them fit into it our perfect little box of “who they are,” even when everything they’re actually doing is slamming against the walls trying to get out.

We are capable of convincing ourselves that a person is more than a person, and John Green points out the tragedy of that. The pure danger that it can be. We pretend that a person can hold the key to our happiness, and that if we can win them over or make them fall in love with us back, everything else in our paper worlds will better. They can change everything. So, like Q, we are willing to put ourselves through hell. We are willing to go against every sane part of us that’s telling us to quit. We are willing to ignore the concerns of our friends and family when we are acting irrationally. We are willing to go to the ends of the earth to prove to this person, to this one person that we haven’t picked so much as we have created, that we are worth their time. We want them so badly to see us, and to see us as just as great of an idea of a person as we see them. Sometimes, they do. Sometimes they don’t.

When they don’t, the rational people move on. They realize that is simply not meant to be. The rest of us? We hang on. We become desperate and heartbroken, and we continue to pine over unrequited love. Why? Because we cannot imagine, we cannot fathom, we cannot handle the idea of being in love with anyone else. The person we have created is so beyond anyone else we know – because the other people we know, we actually know. “Everything’s uglier up close,” Margo tells Q. There is beauty in not knowing someone fully – because when we don’t, we can create what they are. And it’s a hell of a lot easier to fall in love with an idea of a person than to fall in love with an actual person.

Maybe those of us who have fallen for ideas of people and experienced the tragedy of it all are the most paper of us all, and we are like Margo in that we feel the discomfort of that recognition. We crave something to make us less paper, to make us more real….to make us more alive. Margo tells Q that you should live every day with the feeling that your heart is beating outside of your chest, and what makes a person more on the edge than real, tragic heartbreak? There’s nothing like it, and as individuals…as a society…we romanticize that.

So maybe I’m like Margo, dying to get out of my paper life and seeking someone to make me feel like I am doing that. But maybe I’m like Q, and the person I chose isn’t really a person at all. He’s an idea of a person that I have fallen so desperately for, and can never truly have. Because the person that he is, the person that deep down I know he is, isn’t even someone I would ever truly want. But once you have fallen in love, it doesn’t really matter whether it’s with an idea or with a person….you’ve already fallen. And to me, the only way to stop falling, is to leave.

“It is so hard to leave – until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamn thing in the world”
– John Green, Paper Towns

I Miss You

“You can love someone so much…but you can never love people as much as you can miss them”
– John Green

The idea of missing people has always been an intriguing one to me. From the time that we begin processing conversations and learn to speak ourselves, we hear the phrases “I’ve missed you,” “I miss you,” “I will miss you,” etc. Sometimes I think these phrases just feel like words to fill space – words that make people that you haven’t gotten to spend much time with feel better.

My view on missing people probably makes me seem bitter, but I promise that’s not it – I think there are just different categories of missing someone. I think that there is the long-distance relationship/friendship kind of missing someone – you’re apart, and if that person is special to you – of course, you miss him or her. That’s fair. There’s the obligatory I miss you – when you and a friend’s schedules are busy and you want to keep in touch, but you are just having a hard time finding time to hang out in person – you “miss” them. Even though you may talk to them everyday, you’re missing that one-on-one personal time. That’s fair, too. There’s the loss of a loved one – arguably the most painful version of missing someone. You can’t get back the time with them; you can’t ever do anything anymore except miss them. You miss the past times you had with them, and you feel their absence in moments and events in your life that they should be there for. This is the fairest type of missing someone that exists, and it is absolutely terrible.

There is yet another type of missing someone, though, and I could argue that it is the most painful of all. It is the type of missing that I didn’t even know I could do until I was well into my young adult life. I have missed a lot of people over my nearly twenty-four years of existence, and it has fit into all of the above categories. But I never knew that you could miss someone as much as I miss him.

Here’s how missing him feels:

You miss him the instant he leaves you. As soon as he walks out your door, you can feel his absence in the space you just shared. You walk around the rest of the day still feeling him on you, but you can’t actually feel him, and that’s enough to drive you insane. You miss him every time you look at your lit-up phone, and see anyone else’s name besides his. You miss him as you drive your car past the places that remind you of him, and then you miss him even more when you realize that almost every single place is capable of becoming something that reminds you of him. This is how you miss someone that you are in love with.

You miss him when he’s next to you. You miss him while he’s lying beside you, with his arms wrapped around you, but his head in another galaxy. You miss him while he kisses you, because you are already mentally preparing yourself for the weeks you’ll have to spend missing that exact kiss. You miss him while he compliments you, because you know how much you’ll miss hearing those words as he fades into silence for another couple weeks. You miss him while he smiles at you, because you can’t seem to find that type of smile in anyone else, no matter how hard you try. This is how you miss someone that you are in love with, even though they do not love you back.

You miss him when you’re crying in your room alone at night, knowing that he is with someone else. You miss him when you’re telling your friends that you don’t miss him at all, and that you’re over it. You miss him when you lie to yourself and believe that getting him every once in awhile, that missing him for weeks on end, is better than not having him at all – because if you don’t have him at all, you have to miss him forever. This is how you miss someone you don’t want anyone to know that you miss.

You eventually stop crying at night. You eventually can talk about him without feeling like someone is suffocating you. You can eventually see him, watch him leave, and wait for his return without even stopping to reflect on how painful all of it is. You can remind yourself that he has someone else, you can remind yourself that he doesn’t want you the way that you want him, and you can tell yourself you’re fine with all of that. This is how you miss the most important person in your life – yourself.

There is Only ONE Tree Hill, and It’s Your Home.

If you look closer, you might find someone like you. Someone trying to find their way. Someone trying to find their place.

I have made posts like this one before on both this same date in history, and in the springtime — to celebrate and pay tribute to both the beginning and the end of one of the most influential things in my life. Yet, I find myself in front of the computer again, words dying to get out no matter how many times or how many ways that I have said them before.

Life kicks you around sometimes, it scares you and it beats you up, but there’s one day where you realize you’re not just a survivor. You’re a warrior. You’re tougher than anything life throws your way. And you are.

On September 23, 2003, a new television series called One Tree Hill aired on the WB. I missed the Pilot’s original air date, but I tuned in for week two, and the rest is truly history. This little show lasted for nine seasons — it survived a network switch, countless time and day slot changes, and more just barely-made renewals than I can even begin to describe. Almost every season, the fans weren’t sure if we would see our beloved characters again…but time and time again, we worked our asses off to make sure that we would.

You know what? Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do? Give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive. Because you are. And that pain you feel? That’s life. The confusion and fear, that’s there to remind you that somewhere out there is something better. And that something is worth fighting for.

It seems ridiculous to a lot of people that a show that began twelve years ago, and ended three years ago, is still being written about as if it were on the air. To those of us who cherished the show, it’s not ridiculous at all. For so many of us, One Tree Hill wasn’t just something we watched each week to be entertained (although, damn, it was entertaining) — it was something that we tuned into to feel whole. This show was a journey for both the characters we loved, and for ourselves. Let me explain.

Most people are stronger than they know, they just forget to believe in it sometimes.

One Tree Hill taught me that sometimes the people we love the most are going to hurt us the most, and that you make your own definition of family. It taught me that friendships can be as strong as blood, and that as long as you have that one person you can count on, you’re set. It taught me that sometimes our lives go off of the course that we envisioned for ourselves, and that instead of letting that destroy us, we can let it be a chance to rebuild into something possibly even better than we ever imagined. It taught me that it’s okay to believe that your passions and your hobbies can become your career. It taught me that love can be a ruthless game that burns you and leaves you feeling broken and burned and in more pain than you ever thought imaginable, but that going through that type of pain can strengthen you and shape you into the person you were meant to be. It taught me that sometimes it takes awhile to get love right, but that when you do, it will be more happiness than you ever could have imagined. It taught me what it means to love someone unconditionally. It taught me that hitting rock bottom, failing, and having to start over in a new place isn’t something to be ashamed of, but that you should be proud you had the courage to start over in the first place. It taught me that sometimes, out of the billions of people in the world, and out of all of the places you can go, sometimes just one person and/or one place…..is all you really need to feel at home.

Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part in your life that you expect it to always be there because you can’t remember a time when it wasn’t, but then one day you feel something else, something that feels wrong, only because it’s so unfamiliar, and in that moment, you realize….you’re happy.

Of course my family and friends have taught me a lot as I have gone through life, but I owe a huge amount of my lessons learned to this show. I resonated with the character of Brooke Davis the most, and she helped me through things in ways that I simply can’t explain to those who haven’t experienced it themselves; but every single character taught me something. Whether it was Peyton teaching me to never give up on a dream, even after you feel like there’s no way you can reach it, Nathan teaching me that it’s never to late to change and become a better person, Mouth teaching me the value of a true friend, Lucas teaching me that you have to own up to your mistakes, Haley teaching me that you can have both your dream career and your dream guy, Rachel teaching me that beauty on the outside does not equal happiness on the inside, or one of the other countless lessons and characters they came from. I truly learned something from every single character. I am grateful to every single role that was created for this show, and I am even more grateful to the cast members who executed those roles so perfectly, and with such passion, that it truly felt like we were there.

Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, stumble and fall, because most of the time, the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most. Maybe you’ll get everything you wish for, maybe you’ll get more than you could have ever imagined. Who knows where life will take you — the road is long, and in the end, the journey is the destination.

I am grateful to this cast for never failing to acknowledge the role the fans played in their success. I am grateful for their interactions with us online, and in person. I was able to visit Wilmington several times, and in one of those times, I went to watch an episode film. I was greeted with open arms both by the cast, creator, and crew. Just this past year, three years after the show has been off of the air, I attended the very first U.S. One Tree Hill convention, and met even more cast members. Cast members who have all moved on with their lives, obtained other roles, started families or charities or businesses, and everything in between…..still made time for all of us.

Make a wish and put it in your heart, anything you want, everything you want. Do you have it? Good. Now believe it can come true. You never know where your next miracle is going to come from, or the next smile, or the next wish come true. But if you believe it’s right around the corner and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it, to the certainty of it, you must just get the thing you are wishing for. The world is full of magic , you just have to believe in it. So make your wish. Do you have it? Good. Now believe in it with all your heart.

Lastly, and honestly probably most importantly, I am grateful for the people this show brought into my life. My best friend and I watched this show together nearly every single week from the eighth grade until we graduated high school. My sisters and I discussed it on the phone each week. When I got to college, I found friends who were fans and we watched together often. When I was a sophomore in college, that same best friend from high school and I visited Wilmington for the first time, and we met four other girls from Ohio who loved the show and were visiting for the same reason and we hit it off immediately and are still friends today. One of these girls, I literally talk to every week, sometimes everyday, and she is my rock in my times of need and my companion in times of celebration……and she lives in Los Angeles. That’s the power of this show. Furthermore, I began a separate twitter account during the late seasons of the show initially so I could stop blowing up everyone’s feeds about it every week….I never could’ve imagined that it would turn into what it did. Not only did it enable multiple interactions from cast members of the show, but the friends I have made online, many of which I have been able to meet at different concerts of some of the cast members, at conventions, etc, are irreplaceable. These people….I can’t even explain it. We are a community. We are a family, literally. If I tweet even one seemingly down thing, or something that I am struggling with, I am flooded with replies from people who genuinely care and are willing to help in any way that they can. These twitter interactions moved into text conversations for many of us, and getting to meet some of those girls in real life is something I will be eternally thankful for. To many people on the outside, it looks like I talk to a bunch of strangers on a daily basis. However, I have received gifts (autographed cast pictures, like what? How are you so amazing?) from these “strangers.” I have gotten phone calls on my worst days and in my lowest moments from these “strangers.” I have been given endless support and kindness from these “strangers.” These people are not strangers, they are some of my dearest friends, and I can’t wait to see so many of them again next Spring at the next convention.

It’s the oldest story in the world. One day you’re seventeen and planning for “someday,” and then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today, and that someday is yesterday, and this is your life.

In summation, I will never stop loving this show. I will never stop asking friends of mine who haven’t seen it to watch it (which to be honest, there aren’t many that left that I haven’t convinced). I will never stop supporting the cast members in their new endeavors. I will never stop caring about this community of fans, and I will never stop cherishing the bond that we all have. And if all of that makes me strange or weird or obsessed, I think I can live with that.

I cannot believe it’s been twelve years. Cheers, Tree Hill, I miss you.

In your life, you’re going to go some great places and you’re going to do some wonderful things, but no matter where you go or who you become, this place will always be with you. There is only one Tree Hill, and it’s your home.

Perspective.

Sometimes, things find you when you need them to find you. I’m a firm believer in that, and I always have been. Whether you call it fate or the universe or attribute it to your faith — whatever reason is put behind it doesn’t really matter. Sometimes it’s a song on the radio. Sometimes it’s a book someone lends you. Sometimes it’s a quote you come across when you’re wasting hours on Pinterest. Something just hits you and for a moment, maybe longer, the way you think about a situation changes completely. Sometimes it changes the way you think about everything.

I had this experience last week. I’ve been reading a book called I Am THAT Girl by Alexis Jones (more on that later, I’m sure once I finish it will receive an entire blog post dedication). This book has been one of those things that I feel like found me at the right time, but this post isn’t about the book. I started following the author, Alexis, on Instagram. Last week, she posted a photo with a friend of hers that caught me a little off-guard initially. I had to click on this girl’s page immediately to find out “what was wrong with her.” As soon as I did so, I hated myself a little bit for that thought even crossing my mind in the way that it did. I am glad, however, that this thought did cross my mind — because what I found was far more rewarding than I could have ever imagined.

Pictured above is Lizzie Velasquez, a twenty-five year old woman weighing in at fifty-eight pounds. Lizzie was born in 1989 with a rare syndrome that prevents her from gaining weight. As you can imagine, Lizzie endured severe bullying as a child in school for her altered appearance due to this syndrome that was beyond her control. At the age of seventeen, Lizzie was featured in a YouTube video created by a cyber bully that named her “The World’s Ugliest Woman” — this video accumulated 4 million views. When Lizzie was born, medical professionals warned her parents that both physical and mental development would be limited for her. Today, Lizzie is an author, motivational speaker, and a multi-million viewed TedxAustinWomen Talk speaker. Today, she’s in the process of creating a documentary to tell her story and speak out about bullying and advise all people, particularly women, to remember that self-worth is something YOU create. Not anyone else. Learn more about Lizzie, her documentary, and mission here.

While I am happy to spread the word about Lizzie and her project, that wasn’t the point in creating this blog post. I think that it’s pretty safe to state we are a society obsessed with stressing over the little things. I have made more than one post before about the criticism that we endure from others and the ways that it can tear us down. I have ranted and raved about my own journey to figuring out exactly how to love myself and find validation through my own actions. A journey that I am still on. However, I don’t know if anything gets the point across quite like this story did for me. We stress over a few pounds. We stress over acne. We stress over hair that just will not lay straight, no matter what we do. We worry that these things are going to alter people’s opinions of us — that we might not be good enough in their eyes if they can see our flaws.

What we should be worrying about is the type of lives we are leading. Lizzie is an excellent example — she had every right to be discouraged throughout her entire life. The odds were against her, physically and socially, but she never gave up. She channeled the criticism she received into motivation and power. She believed in herself and she believed in proving all of the people who put her down wrong. Isn’t that what we should all be doing? If we continue to mold ourselves and change to fit everyone’s standards, eventually we’ll be so disfigured that we won’t even recognize ourselves. You cannot please everyone. One of my favorite quotes says “you could be the ripest, juiciest peach in the bunch…but there will always be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” There is no winning in the people-pleasing game. Instead, we should be aiming to please ourselves. Be the best version of yourself, no matter who is watching or what they think about it.

When we leave this world, we don’t get to take our material possessions with us. We don’t get to keep our good looks. Our looks will change as we age. Our weight will continue to fluctuate. What we get is the mark that we leave on the people we encounter. We get the opportunity to change someone’s life. We get the opportunity to be kind. We get the opportunity to make a difference. We get the opportunity to live a full and happy life by taking care of ourselves and living for ourselves, so that we can leave without regrets. If we are fulfilling happiness for ourselves, it is much easier to instill that kind of happiness in others.

For me, it comes down to perspective. This is what Lizzie reminded me. I hate the phrase that “you can’t be sad because someone has it worse than you do” because to me, that’s like saying “you can’t be happy because someone has it better than you do.” However, we can use people like Lizzie as an example of what we are capable of. She stands in front of people on a regular basis to remind them that they are enough just the way they are and that they are capable of making a difference. They are capable of following their dreams, of reaching their goals, and of being the person that they always dreamed of being. They are more than the labels that others have placed upon them. They are worth believing in. She’s right — YOU are. You are all of those things. Don’t forget that. Don’t let anyone tell you, or make you feel, otherwise.

 

As always, thanks for stopping by. Thanks for reading until the end. This felt a little more all over the place than my usual posts feel (which is astonishing, because well, they always feel a mess) — but I just had to share this story and what it meant for me with all of you. I hope you were as moved as I was. 

stay awesome. xoxo. 

Follow Lizzie on social media: @littlelizzievelasquez
Follow Alexis on social media: @missalexisjones
Learn more about the I Am THAT Girl movement: @iamthatgirl or visit their website 

Fear(less)

Before bed last night, I was reading through the newest post to my most recent blog addiction, The Sassy Fit Life. The author of the blog, Jessica Zeller, had titled this post “Where Do You See Yourself?” The title immediately caught my attention, because as she says, haven’t we all had to ask ourselves this at some point — usually followed by “in five years….in ten years….etc.” Her blog really spoke to me with her message of setting goals for yourself in every aspect of your life, not just fitness, that are “outlandish.” More than that, it caused me to reflect on some things I’ve been struggling with recently.

Fear.

It seems perfect to bring up this topic in the month of October — the month of all things scary, right? But the type of fear I’m talking about doesn’t involve ghosts or goblins or vampires. I’m a baby when it comes to being afraid, but I would face any supernatural fictional creature before I would willingly face the other kind of fear. The fear that lies within us. The second-guessing, the questioning, and the doubt that eats away at us. It eats away at me, anyway. I don’t even know how many times I have thought to myself when considering my future, sure you can be successful and get a job….but that dream career? Nahhh. Get real. I’ve busted my ass in the gym and disciplined myself in the kitchen thinking, yes you can do this — you can totally change your body! But don’t have unrealistic goals. Can you improve yourself? Hell yes! That body you’ve always wanted and dreamed of, though? Probably not. These are just a couple examples of the mental hate-game I play personally almost every day. Why would I do that to myself? Fear. The fear of failing constantly pulls me back from aiming too high. I’m a go-getter and a perfectionist. If I can’t do something and do it perfectly, nine times out of ten — I just won’t do it at all. So, how does one advance in life with this mindset? By settling. Settling for goals that are “more attainable.” Settling for “almost.” Settling for what I consider to be “realistic” rather than what I really and truly want.

Over a year and a half ago, I got my first tattoo. It was one that I had wanted for five years by the time I finally let myself go through with it. The words Be Fearless are permanently etched into the skin on my right hip. Some days, it’s incredibly motivating. A lot of days, I just feel like a fraud. Let me explain. Most people know I love Taylor Swift, and because of that, write my tattoo off as an expression of obsession. Well, they are not 100% wrong….but they’re not right, either. The word “fearless” took on a new meaning to me in 2008 because of Taylor Swift, but it was more about the message that she attached to it rather than being the title of an album (but I mean, it is a fantastic album). These words are the sole reason for my ink choice:

“To me, Fearless is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, Fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, Fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death” – Taylor Swift

I don’t feel like a fraud for having fears. We all have something we are afraid of — whether it’s applying for that job we’ve been waiting for, deciding whether you really want to move across the country, whether you are going to pass that midterm this week, or whether that guy or girl you’ve been pining over is going to reject you — fear is natural. Fear is okay. I would never set the goal, or get a tattoo, to omit fear from my life  — I’m going to contradict my next point by saying this probably, but that actually is impossible. Instead, I feel like a fraud because I don’t feel like I’m following through with Taylor’s last piece of advice: to live in spite of those things that scare you to death. There’s a difference between living and simply existing, and some days, I feel like existing is about all the living that I can handle. Stress is overwhelming. Exhaustion is overwhelming. Work is overwhelming. Graduate school is overwhelming. Emotions and feelings are overwhelming. But the thing is, that’s part of life. And you can’t let these bad things, these things that scare you and make you feel small, control your life. To be fearless, in this sense, is to understand all of these things that scare you. To understand your doubts and insecurity. It’s to be aware of exactly what they are, where they stem from, and maybe how they got there in the first place….and then to face them head on, and just say….fuck you. Early on in the television series (my other well-known “obsession”), One Tree Hill, the wisest of the wise (Coach Whitey Durham) says the following:

“There’s no shame in being afraid. Hell, we’re all afraid. What you gotta do is figure out what you’re afraid of because when you put a face on it, you can beat it. Better yet, you can use it.”

Whitey is right. We are all afraid. The first step is to admit that and accept it. I am challenging myself to follow through with the next part, and I am challenging you to do the same, figure out what those fears are and take them down. You can win. You can overcome them. Everything inside of you that’s telling you to give up, everything that’s telling you you can’t or that you’re aiming too high…..it’s wrong. One of the most important pieces of advice I have ever received is that no one else has to understand your journey because it’s not for them. No one else has to believe in your dream because it’s YOUR dream. So the only real obstacle you have to overcome, as Jessica also mentions in her blog, is yourself. Stop putting yourself down and holding yourself back. I’m speaking to myself on this one, too. You are wonderful enough to have high standards. You are smart enough to get that degree. You are driven and skilled enough to get that job. You are passionate enough for someone who appreciates you. You are disciplined enough to get in shape. Whatever it is, you can do it. But you have to let yourself. 

My tattoo, the day I got it.

As always, thanks for dropping by. Virtual high-five if you actually read through this entire post. Virtual hug added if I actually made any sense or resonated with you in any way 🙂 

xoxo, stay awesome. stay fearless.

It’s Time to Stop Whispering

The news of Robin Williams, beloved actor and comedian, passing leaves an ache in my heart. I do not say this because Williams was my favorite actor, or one who’s movies I watched repeatedly. I respected him as an entertainment figure, and as a person who is obsessed with words, have found great insight in many of the things this wise man has said.

The ache in my heart is due to Williams’ cause of death: suicide. How can a man who has brought so much laughter and joy to so many lives — lives of people he has never even met — not be full of laughter and joy himself? It’s a question that, I’m sure, the majority of America is pondering over and over again. He seemed so happy.

That’s the thing about depression, though, isn’t it? It can be a part of anyone’s life. Unfortunately, the vast majority of the population fails to acknowledge that fact. If someone isn’t crying all the time or constantly talking about being sad….if someone isn’t a loner or an introvert….if someone has lots of friends or lots of money or a wonderful significant other….the job of their dreams…..they couldn’t possibly be depressed. This isn’t the reality, unfortunately.

Depression can truly affect anyone, and it can do so in many different ways. No one’s depression is exactly like someone else’s. The thing about depression that really sucks is that no one wants to talk about it. No one wants to talk about the detrimental impact it can have on an individual’s life. Many people suffer from depression quietly and alone, but they don’t do this because they don’t trust their loved ones. They do so because they don’t want to place their burden upon them. Often, they can’t explain their sadness…..and how many people understand the reason that, they just are. There is rarely one simple answer to the question, Well why are you so sad? Why are you depressed? And it’s even worse when that’s followed by a long list of all of the things that are going so great for that person — look at the bright side, you have so much to be happy about! Focus on that.

If it were that simple for people with depression, they wouldn’t be depressed. What society needs to do is start acknowledging the issue, and hopefully people who are feeling lost can feel comfortable talking about what they’re feeling and seek the help that they need. Sometimes there is no cure for depression, but it can be made more bearable. There are so many outlets and options available if you are struggling, but how do you find them if you are too terrified to even admit what is going on?

Depression is different from other diseases because it’s mental, obviously. It’s incredibly difficult to come to terms with something being wrong with you, but when it’s only going on in your mind? Crazy. You must be crazy. That is so, so incredibly inaccurate, though. Depression doesn’t mean you are crazy, it means your mind just works a little differently than everyone else’s. You didn’t choose to be this way — so never, ever let anyone make you feel like you have.  A blogger I follow recently posted about her own depression, and put it best, especially when considering Williams’ recent death.

“Why does there have to be a solidified reason? I’ve spent hours, days, months, YEARS analyzing why I was so unhappy, so unsatisfied with everything related to my life, despite the fact from the outside looking in, it was one which many would enjoy. I’ve felt so incredibly selfish over this, it took me months to even come to terms with it after my diagnosis, after my ignorance was depleted. The revelation I eventually came to is comforting(with the help of my therapists).  Depression doesn’t discriminate- it doesn’t care where you’re from, or what you look like, or who you are.  Simply put, it’s like cancer…it doesn’t care.  There are some habits or conditions which can contribute to getting cancer or a mental health illness, but a lot of the time…it just happens.  It’s biological.  It was supposed to happen…for whichever reason we may discover, or we may not.”

– DGC Says

Robin Williams was the epitome of a successful man. He was smart, successful, wealthy, and had an adoring group of family, friends, and fans. But on the inside, there was something we couldn’t see. We should let this tragedy be an opportunity to open our eyes and hearts to those who are struggling. Whatever you’re dealing with, whatever you’re going through — depression, anxiety, heartbreak, anger, sadness, anything — suicide is never the answer. Ever. To those considering suicide, they see a way out. They see peace. I would like to believe Robin Williams has found peace, but I am uncomfortable letting that be the message we take away from this.  As blogger Matt Walsh says, “It is not freeing. In suicide you obliterate yourself and shackle your loved ones with guilt and grief. There is no freedom in it. There is no peace. How can I free myself by attempting to annihilate myself? How can I free something by destroying it?”

I can only hope that Williams’ family can find the peace that Williams himself was searching for. I can only hope that every other soul out there who feels like there is not one part of life left worth living for, sees that they are wrong. I hope that they can see that no matter how bad it can get, no matter how hopeless they may feel, there is something better out there. There will be.  There’s magic in the world, truly it is everywhere, but you have to believe in it. We have to stop whispering about depression and suicide. It has to stop being taboo. People need to know that not only is help available, but that it’s okay to ask for it. It’s okay to need it.

Find the support that you need so that you do not feel alone ❤

Visit twloha.com if you or someone you know may be considering suicide or struggling with depression. It’s a good place to start.

Visit DGC Says: dgcsays.com

Visit Matt Walsh’s blog: themattwalshblog.com

The Five Most Important Lessons I’ve Learned After Graduation

Wow.

I just re-read my last post on here, which was back in April fifteen days prior to my undergraduate college graduation, and I can’t believe it’s been that long since I’ve blogged.I used to really love it here. I’ve always loved writing and in the constant hustle and bustle that is my life currently, I think I need to take some time for it once in a while again. So, let’s play some catch-up and then I’ll get to my main inspiration for this post.

As I’m sure you’ve collected, because you’re all geniuses (yes, this is me sucking up in hopes that you’ll keep reading), I graduated from Wright State University in April with my degree in English: Integrated Language Arts. It was just as surreal as I predicted in my previous blog posts and I am so blessed that I got to graduate alongside two of my best friends that I’ve made through college. I mentioned in my last post that I had officially accepted a position at WSU as a Graduate Teaching Assistant, in which I run my own English 1100 course while also completing my MA in Composition and Rhetoric. I began this journey officially at the end of August, and man, what a transition it has been. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though — we’ll get to that.

College graduation with two of my best friends 🙂

It is absolutely necessary to mention that I had one of the most amazing summers of my life. Aside from working as an Assistant Manager at Body Central, I pretty much spent most of my time either partying and spending time with my friends or taking various trips and vacations. I was able to visit a friend in Cleveland, attend Country Concert (as always), and take my first cruise (to the Bahamas!). I spent my summer with long-time friends and some incredible new friends, all of which are irreplaceable and I’ve discovered over the past few months that I would be lost without.

Nassau, Bahamas ❤

Alright, with that little overview….here’s my point in posting this from my bed at almost one in the morning: despite how it seems like everything has lined up for me over the past several months and that I’ve just been having the time of my life, it hasn’t all been sunshine and rainbows. I’ve taken quite a few winding, dark, and occasionally stormy paths to get to the mindset I’m currently in as I write this to all of you tonight. While this summer and fall has brought a lot of blessings into my life, it also forced me to deal with some issues that were definitely not simple. So, what I would like to share with you is a list:

The Five Most Important Lessons I’ve learned After Graduation 

1. Friendships are not defined by who you have known the longest or by who you spend the most time with. 

Throughout most of high school and definitely throughout college, I’ve always considered myself really blessed in the friendship category. As a pretty outgoing person, I haven’t really had difficulty meeting people. I’ve just been fortunate enough to find that core group of people who I know I can count on no matter what. I still have friends from high school that mean the world to me. I have friends that you know are always down for a good time. I have friends that can make me laugh no matter what. I have friends that live across the country, or across the state, that I converse with just as frequently as those who live down the road. What I think is important to remember in friendship, though, is to never take these people for granted. Seems like a simple enough concept, right? It’s more important than you may think. Friendship isn’t something you can just slack off on because you’ve been given the label of a “best friend” so you expect someone to always be there for you — I, personally, think friendship is something you have to earn. You have to be willing to be the kind of friend that you want others to be for you. Being a good friend is being selfless. Being a good friend can be doing extreme favors for one another, or it can be as simple as answering a late-night phone call just to simply listen to the other person cry while you tell them everything is going to be alright. Friendship is endless support. I’m confident in stating that I have several people that fit into these categories and they may not all know each other, they may not all live here, and I may not have known all of them for a long time — but that’s not the point. Some of the people I’ve just met over the last few months have become some of the most important in my life. And some of the most important people in my life are still the ones that have been there for me for the past two years, five years, nine years — whatever. You are not entitled to people being there for you. If you have a friend who is always willing to go the extra mile for you, take the time to appreciate it. You’re more blessed than you know.

2. Your mistakes do not define you.

This is probably the lesson it has taken me the longest to learn, and to be honest, I’m still working on learning it. This past year, I’ve messed up a lot. I’ve gotten myself involved in situations that I knew were bad for me, and I let myself be okay with it. I made the mistake of accepting less than I deserve. I made the mistake of confusing right and wrong. I’ve let people fool me and I’ve let people manipulate me. But you know what? Who cares? One of my favorite quotes (from One Tree Hill, naturally) says “Until you face all of the mistakes you’ve made, you’ll never change.” I’m not sure if I can be more clear than that. This fall, I’ve finally decided to “let myself off the hook” and stop mentally abusing myself for the roads I took without taking the “Caution” signs into consideration. Every mistake is a lesson. Whatever you may be beating yourself up about, take a second right now to think about it and what it taught you — regardless of how much it may have hurt you — it had to teach you something. Now, don’t think about anything else besides what you’ve learned and then never let it enter your mind again.

3. Surround Yourself with People that Inspire You 

I don’t mean you only have to hang out with braniacs or fitness gurus or the ghandis of the world. I mean spend your time with people who are having a positive impact on you — eliminate everyone else. This is another one of the most difficult lessons I have learned, and one that I’m still working on. However, the steps in the right direction I have already made with this are changing my life drastically. Currently, I’m back on track with living the healthy lifestyle I set out to achieve last year. I went way off course over the summer, but I’m back and more dedicated than ever, but I’m not sure where I’d be if a couple of my friends weren’t taking the journey with me, They offer a support system. They offer something in common. They offer motivation. The same concept applies to my current career path and education: spending time with the people who are a year ahead of me in the program and getting their input on my work and lesson planning has been beneficial beyond words to me. You should never underestimate the wisdom that those with more experience than you can provide. Anyone who is bringing you down, who is making you feel like less than you are, and anyone who fails to treat you like you deserve to be treated needs to go. End of story. I’m not kidding when I say that the sun will seem to shine a little brighter, you’ll feel a little lighter, and your mind will be clearer as soon as you let them go.

4. Make time for the things you love.

This has proven to be one of the most difficult things (have I said this for every topic? Ha I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t call this a list of “easy lessons”) that I have tried to master. While teaching college and taking my MA courses is the most important thing in my life right now, it’s not the only thing. It shouldn’t be. While it takes up about 97.7% of my time, I’m discovering the importance in making time for the other things that I love more and more as the semester goes on. I let myself work to the point of exhaustion and tears so much through the first six weeks of the semester. I was convinced that I wasn’t cut out for the program, I was convinced that I would never have enough time to finish anything, and most of all, I was convinced that I was losing my mind. Like, I was considering transferring from Wright State straight to a mental care facility. Okay, maybe not that bad — but it sure felt like it some days. You know what changed? You know what lightened my load and lessened my stress? Taking time to do the things that I enjoy. People have asked me a lot around the GTA office how I have time to work out or to go out with my friends on the weekends, but really the answer is simple: I make the time. With everything going on, working out is actually the one portion of my day that feels like it is in my control. It puts me in a good mood. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Most of all, it’s an hour or two of my day that I can go without thinking about school work or lesson planning and not feel guilty about it. So, I schedule it into my days just like it was another class I have to attend. Going out with my friends on the weekend? I’ve cut back — on the amount of nights I can go out and sometimes just on whether I’m drinking or not. My friends are usually responsible for keeping my sanity, and if I didn’t take some time to go out and let loose once in awhile, well….a mental care facility really may not have been that unrealistic. Just take the time to do things that you’re not obligated to do, but do them responsibly. Sometimes the amount of extra work I have to bust out early in the week in order to get that one Friday night with my friends almost makes my head explode, but it’s worth it. Every. Single. Time.   So, if you’re dying to read a new book, if there’s a TV series on Netflix you really want to start, or maybe you’ve just realized you really used to love writing and you’ve stopped writing for you…..do it (okay, those all apply to me, but you get the point!). Read a couple chapters of a book that has no academic value. Watch an episode a night of that TV show. Post an entirely too-long and probably overly sentimental blog just because. Because you love it. Because you deserve it.

5. Love yourself.

My last, and probably most important, point is probably the absolute hardest to master. I know, that phrase is getting repetitive, but I really mean it here. I’ve struggled with this my whole life. If you’ve been following my blogs for awhile (I’ll assume you haven’t and I won’t be offended), I go back and forth in a constant war with myself. I constantly worry about not being good enough. I pick apart my appearance. I am my own toughest critic of my work. I question my intuitions and ideas. I second-guess myself. I have doubt in my dreams. What I’ve learned this year, though, is that all of that needs to stop. I’ve been progressing towards that for a long time, and I have come a long way from where I was a year ago or more (particularly one of my blogs from almost a year ago exactly shows how far I’ve really come). What I’m learning is that you can’t expect anyone else to love you if you don’t love yourself first. So many people, including myself, are guilty or have been guilty of placing all of their happiness in the hands of someone else. We let other people’s opinions shape our lives. We’re convinced that we can’t be happy unless other people think we are happy. We can’t be happy unless we have X amount of friends. We can’t be happy unless X thinks we’re attractive. We can’t be happy unless we’re in a relationship. The reality is simple: all of that is bullshit. If you want to find true happiness in life, you have to find it through yourself. If you can accomplish that, the chain reaction of events that follows will blow your mind. When you believe in yourself, you cause other people to believe in you without realizing it. You become a leader. You become confident. You work harder. You walk straighter. You speak louder. What you do matters, but believing in what you do matters more. Back yourself up. Believe in your goals and your dreams and believe that you’re strong enough to reach them. Because you are. You’re awesome — I know it and as soon as you truly know it, everyone else will know it too. 

So, there it is. If you made it to this point, I’m giving you a virtual hug or high-five — whichever you prefer. Thanks for sticking with me, and I hope that this gave you a little bit of insight. Even if that insight is that you now think I am a rambling fool or full of complete shit, at least that’s something 😉
Anyway, I hope this did something for you. I know it did something for me. Thank you for giving me a place to write again. I really missed it.

Stay excellent. xoxo.